Honestly, I have no idea how to start this blog post. I have already deleted more words than I thought I would write in the first place. I have things to say. I have words, emotions, passions I want to communicate and yet I have no idea how to get them out. 

These months have been frustrating! Being unemployed has joys, for sure. I can get up when I want, I can plan my own day, I have no one telling me what to do, and there are no papers to write. Can someone give me a paper to write?! Really. I actually had a couple of days where I seriously started to consider doctoral programs just because.

Some days I feel desperate for something to do. It's not that there's nothing to do, it's just that there's nothing I want to do. I am totally aware of the beauty in the daily tasks of life. I really am. I get that there is purpose and meaning in folding underwear. I have read the books that link the holy with the ordinary. My mind and body have prayed as I`ve chopped veggies for soup and as I've kneaded dough for bread. I have laboured over the dirty toilet and sink and seen it as a labour of love. 

And I'm Done. I've had it. Today I just want to use my degree. Today I just want to do something that connects with that deepest part of myself that feels alive when I teach and preach and lead. And so I'm writing, because that's as close as I can get right now.

I am incredibly grateful that during these last few months there have been small opportunities to engage in the work that feels so very right. And each time one opportunity ends another one begins and  I am choosing to hold each one of these opportunities as a very precious gift. Whether it is guest preaching, teaching a Sunday school class, doing a professional development day or marking a paper, I am choosing to cherish those moments in which I feel most alive, most me. At least I try to. Sometimes the papers I marked didn`t feel anything like a gift!

It`s not to say that I never feel that sense of rightness, or that I never feel alive when I am doing household tasks. But it is profoundly clear to me when I am functioning most authentically as the person that God created me to be and sometimes that really is when I`m baking, cooking, and cleaning, but more often it is related less to the task at hand and more to the aspect of myself that is being engaged. When I find myself cleaning in connection with offering hospitality to another then I feel alive. When I find myself baking buns as a way of connecting with my family`s history and offering it to my friends and family in the present, then I feel alive. When I am able to give someone direction, or offer them a resource that helps them to live their life more fully or to do their tasks with greater integrity, ease, or freedom, then I feel alive. When I am able to open up the biblical story and help others to live into its dynamic nature, then I feel alive. When I am able to teach good material and facilitate life-giving conversation then I feel alive. When I am able to introduce someone to another way of encountering the divine, then I feel alive. 

My calling, as I have come to understand it, involves hospitality, making space, ongoing narrative, food, resourcing, story-telling, teaching, and equipping.

And honestly, as I have spent the last number of years drawing out all the many strands that make me feel alive, those strands that God has woven together, it has become clear to me that retreat ministry is really where all of these strands find their home.

This is my dream. And fortunately it is a dream that my roommate shares. In a lot of ways all of her gifts come together in retreat ministry as well. How many people do you know who love spiritual care-giving and lawn-mowing!

So when I`m feeling frustrated in this winter-ish season of unemployment, it helps me to dream about our retreat centre and all that it might be, even while noticing all of the small ways that this ministry is already happening. 

 Some of my (our) dreams:

1. Breathing space. Big prairie skies, room to move, space to walk, breathe, scream, whatever is needed.  An outdoor gazebo, a large labyrinth, places to sit and think, a huge swing set.

2. Hospitality. Minimal clutter, comfy chairs,a place to leave your cell phone, soft beds and homemade quilts, fresh baking and beverages, space for silence and reflection. 

3. A library. Large bookcases with a good selection of books on spirituality, worship, theology, Bible, pastoral care, Christian formation, and inspirational biographies (we already have quite a good collection between two seminary students!). And always the newest edition of Leader magazine for planning Advent and Lent services. A mini resource centre.

4. Silence or conversation. Many people come in search of silence on retreat, and honestly  most of us need it. But if you`re anything like me, sometimes I need to bounce ideas off of people. And I think if I worked at a retreat centre there would need to be room for that as well.

4. Built in child-care. Any parent wishing to book a retreat would have guaranteed child-care (not with us, but we would arrange for it). There are too many parents who, by virtue of circumstance, cannot attend to their inner work. 

5. A lovely bathtub/bathroom with no interruptions. Some of our best thinking can happen while soaking in a tub.And my impression is that for some parents simply going to the bathroom or bathing alone is already a huge step along the path of self-care.

6. An absolutely amazing space for prayer and storytelling retreats for children. Fabric draped ceiling panels (to mimic a tent), huge bookshelves, a trunk full of all the dress-up supplies for acting out the biblical stories, prayer mats, candles, hour glasses, scarves and space. Lots of space to live the story, to breathe, to pray, to dance, to sing, to encounter God in all of God`s concreteness and mystery and to fellowship together. 

7. Space for Spiritual direction and pastoral counselling sessions. Safe space. Welcoming space. 

8. Room for classes or group retreats, deacons groups, Sunday school classes, Sunday school teacher orientation, support groups, discussion groups etc.

9. Garden. A large garden for those who connect most with God when their hands are in the dirt. 

10. Art/mess room. Inner work is not always neat, clean, or quiet. I think a good retreat space needs a room where it's okay to be noisy, to dance, to throw paint, to sculpt, to sing to break things etc. Inner work is dynamic/creative work and we do ourselves a disservice when we try to contain it all in pretty boxes with holy words. 

 Someday...