The Benefits of Counseling

One of the greatest gifts in my life has been good counselors. I would certainly not be the person I am today if I had not sought out help in navigating my relationship with myself and with others.

And I am not "mentally ill".
I have not been diagnosed with any mental disorder.  
I have simply experienced life. 

Life has ups and downs. For some people those ups and downs include mild to severe mental disorders, which may or may not require medication. But for many people life is simply life. There are times when anxiety seems to be getting the better of us, or the world feels heavy, or we aren't sure how to grieve, or we have trouble trusting our own intuition, or we have trouble asking for help, or we have a pessimistic worldview that has been passed on from generation to generation, or we just aren't sure which end is up or how to make decisions, or we aren't sure how to be of most help to others we are in relationship with.

Life can be difficult. It can be frustrating. It can be hard to see our way through whatever lies before us, and so we find ourselves trying to go around...and around...and around. We become addicted to coffee, alcohol, tv, drugs, shopping, technology, home renovations and the list goes on. Human beings will find coping mechanisms of all kinds when we can't bring ourselves to deal with a situation. Dealing with our crap is hard work. It requires vulnerability. And when we are ready to deal with it, it requires a companion.

I could not have faced my issues on my own. I needed help. I did not need someone else to tell me what to do. I needed someone to help me to learn to listen to what was actually going on within and around me. I needed someone to ask me good questions and invite me to consider different ways of thinking and being in the world.

My experience is that "therapy" still has a really negative interpretation for a lot of people. Therapy is for finicky movie stars who are completely self-absorbed. Therapy is for addicts, drug addicts, not coffee addicts. Therapy is for people who are messed up. Therapy is for sick people. Therapy is for those people.

Well, I disagree. Therapy is for people who choose to love themselves enough to work on their own healing. When I become more healthy, those around me are also strengthened. When I refuse to work on my own healing, when I choose to avoid my problems and distract myself with shopping (or whatever), the problems don't go away. They get worse and they spill over onto other people and they get passed on generation to generation.

I get that going to a counselor is expensive. But I decided it was far better stewardship than spending money on drugs, alcohol or the myriad other diversions that are advertised to me daily. At least therapy doesn't add to the landfill and it actually improves my quality of life long term.

I have been incredibly blessed with two amazing counselors to walk alongside me over the past number of years. However, I should say that not all counselors are good counselors. I know this first hand. I went to one counselor, who within about 30 min. of listening to me share about my struggles with anxiety in public speaking, suggested medication. In some instances medication can be of benefit, but not for mild anxiety! We as a culture tend to over-medicate I believe, making it very difficult to see when people actually do need medication, and when other life changes would be of more benefit.

In my work with children I am often frustrated to see very young people who are not receiving the skills they need to deal with the ups and downs of life. They are being taught to deal with their anger, frustration, and anxiety through bribes and distractions and yes...shopping. If I am sad, I should have ice cream. If I am scared, I should ignore my fear and push through it and I'll get a sucker. If I am anxious about something I should go shopping. I shouldn't listen to my fear, and ask why I'm afraid. Because surely dealing with the issue head on will be far more traumatic than nursing the fear for 40 years until I can't ignore it anymore and the medication is no longer effectively numbing me out (yes I am being sarcastic here).

I know that counseling is not for everyone. I know that for some people Spiritual Direction is all that they need, and for others there might be other types of healing that better suit their situation. But, regardless of what mode of healing is right for you,  I think it's time that North Americans in general stop trying to numb out and avoid our problems because that is yet another way that we don't make a better world for our children.

Searching for Laughter

I have a confession to make. 

I take Life Seriously.

Very. Very. Seriously. 

And I almost always have I think, though perhaps never more so than in the past few years. I'm a serious person by nature (6 on the Enneagram so always working to maintain control and navigate fear), but also by nurture and circumstance. 

As a child and an adolescent I was often teased for being shy, or more often for being grumpy. I was both, and yet neither. I was, and am, simply introverted. I love to talk (a lot!), but in new situations and large groups I tend to be somewhat withdrawn. Because I'm trying to figure out my new environment, I'm usually quiet, because I'm quiet, I'm often seen as aloof, or grumpy. Being told I'm grumpy, makes me...grumpy and thus I become even quieter. People who know me really well and spend time with me one-on-one know that I am often very loud and very ungrumpy. As a child I learned that being seen as serious or studious could become a laudable substitute for introversion. Scholars can get away with appearing grumpy at times. I also learned that being studious brought approval and awards, things I knew I would not be getting for my athleticism or striking good looks!

When I was 17 I graduated from high school and moved to Winnipeg to attend Scientific Marvel School of Hairstyling and Esthetics (quite a mouthful!). And I learned to laugh more there, but to become even more serious in other areas of my life in order to defend my decision to use my straight-A transcript to construct pin-curls, an endeavour I also learned to take very seriously!. More than once I was told that I was wasting my mind. 

For most of my childhood and adult life (until just recently) I was involved in Figure Skating. First as a skater (though not a good one) and then as a judge. Here again, I learned to laugh, but also to become more serious and FAR more critical. I often felt I had to defend my decision to spend so many hours at the rink simply because I loved the sport. Many of my peers could not see the point since it was clear I wasn't going to achieve greatness. Judging, as the term implies, brought with it a whole new realm of critical thinking. And seriousness became crucial as I tried desperately to find all the errors in skaters' programs and to judge with as much integrity and perfection on my part as I was expecting on theirs. Being several years younger than the other judges also led me to greater seriousness in order to prove to myself that I belonged in their company. 

Ministry with children, you would imagine, would be filled with laughter and humour. But in many ways I have often taken that too seriously as well. My undergrad and graduate studies instilled in me an incredibly critical eye so that I could guide others more effectively, taking care to help them avoid the pitfalls of bad theology, sloppy practice, and slippery ethics (so much more could be said here!). All good things, but for someone who already took things far too seriously a little levity and emphasis on the fact that all these things were not just up to me, would have been of great benefit. I also allowed my academic studies to reinforce my need to be studious in order to deal with my introversion, to receive approval and awards, and to defend my decision to abandon my career in hairstyling, to leave behind judging figure skating in favour of academics and ministry with no certainty of employment or financial security. 

My ministry with children has also been grounded in my own experiences of anxiety as a child, and the experiences of anxiety and depression of my younger sister. In many ways my calling to children is a calling to my sister and to all the young children in our middle-class congregations who are suffering in ways that are not always easily seen. This is a calling that I take very seriously. 

So I think I have, perhaps, come by my seriousness quiet honestly. But regardless of how I came by it, all this seriousness has made my life feel pretty heavy at times. I'm not very good at laughing and having fun. I have a hard time shutting down my hypercritical mind, or at least dialing it back a few notches. Even when I'm enjoying sewing, I can't help but consider the environmental impact that my project might have, or whether or not I am practicing good stewardship. I'm glad that I can look at a cell phone and ask good questions about what impact it, and other forms of technology, might have on my life and the lives of those around me (thanks Andy Brubacher Kaethler and Arthur Boers). I'm glad that I can look at story Bibles, media, and societal practices and identify where there are unjust gender and racial stereotypes being reinforced (thanks Gayle Gerber-Koontz), as well as for the many other areas in which I have learned to critically engage my world. Yet I find myself feeling a lack of joy. I find myself far from the laughter and humour that I often encounter in God when I pray. 

I have a sense that laughter is my work. That I have come to a point in my life where I might need to step back and trust that things will not fall apart if I stop analyzing them, and indeed they might come together in new and fuller ways if they are filled with more silliness. I have often seen myself as a rather silly person, but as my roommate Alicia has said, I usually only show that side of myself at home. So if you come across me in the next few months and find I am behaving rather oddly, then I invite you to join me. If you come across me being overly serious, I invite you to remind me that God created laughter and it is very good.

Thoughts on Storybook Bibles

Storybook Bibles can be a good way to introduce children to the biblical story using age appropriate language and colourful illustrations, yet not all storybook Bibles are made equal. When I’m looking for a good Storybook Bible I have several criteria handy for evaluating what each one has to offer as well as what might be lacking. 

Some things I look for are:

1. What stories are included and which are left out. Does the book include stories or poetry drawn from the Psalms, the prophets (more than Jonah), and from the letters to the early church? These are parts of scripture that are often left out. 
2. How are characters portrayed in illustrations? Is everyone Caucasian? Are only “enemies” or slaves portrayed as persons of colour? Some Storybook Bibles reinforce racist stereotypes of particular ethnic groups as lesser than, or simply violent. I look for illustrations that help children to identify with characters, see the beautiful diversity in God’s creation, recognize the cultural context of the biblical story, and to understand people as fully human and complex. 
3.  How is God portrayed? Are there both masculine and feminine images of God as we see in the Bible? Do we receive a broad understanding of God demonstrating gentleness, wisdom, love, justice, compassion, protection, mercy, power, intimacy, holiness?
4. How are women and children represented? The world of the biblical story was patriarchal, but we know that women and children were certainly present and a part of the story. Has there been an attempt made to bring forth the experiences of women and children in the biblical story both through stories and illustrations?
5. Is inclusive language used when referring to people?
6. How is violence portrayed? Are violent acts something that people are to undertake, is violence glorified as the “right” way to solve problems, or are we to strive to live in peace? While the words in a storybook Bible may not glorify violence, the illustrations often do.
7. What is the understanding given of humanity in Genesis? Are women and men equals, partners in the task of caring for creation? Is there still goodness in us and are we still loved even after Adam and Eve leave the garden, or have we become completely “bad”? Most often the understanding of humanity in Genesis provides the theological understanding for human relationships, and for the human/God relationship in the rest of the story, so I find Genesis a good place to start.
8. What is the understanding of sin and reconciliation that comes through the life, death, and resurrection of Jesus? Is that understanding in alignment with what I believe the Bible tells us, and are these stories told using age appropriate images and language? Many storybook Bibles implicitly or explicitly attempt to create feelings of guilt in children in order to coerce conversion. I pay careful attention to how themes of salvation are dealt with.
9. Are gender stereotypes in our own culture being reinforced? Will a young girl who adores adventure and regularly gets her knees scraped up while riding her bike feel uncomfortable with God’s story because it’s packaged in vibrant pink with princess crowns on it? Will a thoughtful boy who loves to read and is inclined toward music feel uncomfortable because his “Bible” teaches him that he needs to be a muscular superhero? These are especially good questions to ask when giving Bibles out in church, whether they are storybook Bibles or a complete translation.

While it is almost impossible for a given storybook Bible to fulfill all of these criteria I have found several books that I believe fit many of the criteria and have a variety of gifts to offer families. Having several different storybook Bibles or visual interpretations of scripture for children is also of great importance in helping them to embrace the vibrancy of God’s Story.

Together We Pray

So it feels like a new chapter of ministry is beginning. This week I published my website entitled Together We Pray in the hopes of letting churches and individuals know what I might have to offer them.I have had quite a number of opportunities to minister in a variety of capacities in a variety of churches over the past few months and honestly, I really enjoy this type of work. Being able to resource people, to help them find what they need, or give them the tools that they need to live out their callings well is a passion of mine. I can do this as a pastor within a church, but I'm also recognizing that sometimes churches and pastors benefit from being able to call in someone else to do work that might take them a lot of time to pull together; time that is often better spent in other ways. I also enjoy being able to offer pastors an easily accessible option for "pulpit fill". It's not always easy to find someone to cover for you, especially on long weekends, or spring break and the like. But since I don't have children and I'm not employed full time, I'm often free when others are not. 

It was a lot of fun putting the site together and trying to articulate what I feel I can offer the church and writing it all out was a good way of reminding myself of the ministry that I've done in the past as well. I'm very much looking forward to whatever ministry comes my way this fall, as well as doing some projects around the house, some sewing, and grading papers for a class at CMU again. There should be plenty to keep me busy!

Feeling Blessed

(Pic courtesy of Jen Shenk Photography)

I can't believe it's been ten years already. Ten years ago I arrived at Canadian Mennonite University feeling pretty stressed out. I'd just left my career of 8 years and moved from my hometown to start university with no idea of what I was going to do with myself. I was, and still am, a farm girl so moving to the city was daunting. Yes, I found Winnipeg daunting. And going to university was daunting. Yes, even CMU was daunting. It doesn't take much for me to find something daunting. The most daunting part however, was living in community with a dorm floor full of energetic young women. I was 25 and most of the girls on the floor were 18 and I certainly felt like the elder stateswoman, and an introverted one to boot!

One day during my first week I walked down the hall, or perhaps meandered, wondering what on earth to do with myself before classes really got going and I saw one of my fellow dorm-mates, one Alicia Buhler, sitting in her room and I decided to be REALLY brave and ask if she wanted to go for a walk. And so we did. 

And here we are, ten years later, still walking. We've traveled a lot since then. We have walked together through 4 years of undergrad, through the excitement of graduation, through the devastation of my sister's death, through the passing of one of each of our grandmothers, through two weddings in her family, through the birth of a niece in my family and a nephew in hers, through candidating and job hunting and more unemployment than either of us would have wanted, through 2 years of pastoring, through moving, and moving, and moving all the way to Indiana, through Seminary, through discernment of our callings, through financial stresses, through figuring out who will do the dishes and clean the toilet, through 4 different congregations, through saying goodbye to friends and hello to new ones, through all kinds of frustration and joys and sorrows. 

It has been a full ten years of almost constant transitions and I feel incredibly blessed that through all of those changes I have had such an amazing friend to rely on. It is such a comfort and joy to know that when the world is spinning out of control, I can come home and she is there. And it is equally meaningful to know that I can be there to support her as well.

Some of the things that I have come to appreciate most about our relationship are:

• the mutuality
• the ways in which our gifts seem to complement one another (I love to cook, she loves to clean!)
• our mutual love of having a settled home, each time we move it takes less than two days to fully unpack and settle in.
• our mutual love of organization and cleanliness
• the ways in which we can dream together
• the understanding we have for one another's calling in ministry
• the ways that we support each other in growing more and more into the women we are meant to be
• the moments of insane silliness
• our shared appreciation for responsible stewardship and healthy holistic living
• our commitment to Sabbath
• our commitment to working through our own processes

And whether our home together ends up being just for a time, or for the rest of our lives, I feel so blessed to be able to share a home with my very best friend.
 

Sacred Memories part 6

One Sunday my Sunday school class (3-year olds) was out on the front lawn of our church. We were making pictures of things that we wanted to thank God for. We had decided that we would put them on the Communion table in the front of the church when we were done. The kids thought that would be the best place for Jesus to see them (or maybe to pick them up, you never quite know where the 3-year old mind is going). And the kids had no shortage of things that they were thankful for. The list included everything from parents, to fish, to peanut butter, to gas tanks! After our pictures were done I asked them all how they thought Jesus might react to seeing their beautiful pictures of thanksgiving. One of the boys was totally excited, so excited he was bouncing up and down with that gloriously joyful glow that only small children really have. And he told me that he thought Jesus would be doing cartwheels!

Jesus in his long tunic doing cartwheels is an image that has stuck vividly in my mind ever since.