So, I'm 36

So yes, today is my birthday and I'm 36 years old today. I know sometimes people say "wow, I can't believe I'm 36 already, the years have just flown by." Or maybe they say, "oh my word, I'm only 36, I feel like I'm 80!" But honestly, I just feel 36.

For most of my life I have just wanted to be 4 years old. 4 was a very good year. I turned 4 in 1980, the start of a new decade and the start of a new stage of my life. 4 is when I started school. My birthday is in November, so I was nearing 5, but what I remember is being 4. Apparently Trudeau was Prime Minister, "O Canada" became our national anthem and Emanuel Sandhu was born. But what  I remember is waiting for the bus in my plaid dress with my fancy school bag that my mom sewed for me. It had a felt appliqued apple, banana and orange on the front. I was so proud. Being 4 meant Kindergarten. Being 4 meant the story corner, and cut and paste in Mrs. Campbell's Kindergarten class at Elmwood Elementary school. Being 4 was grand. And all my life I have wanted to go back to being 4.

For a time I also wanted desperately to be 25. I still wanted to be 4, but in the absence of a time machine, I thought that if I could just be 25 then things would be the way I wanted them to be. For some reason 25 was the age I associated with being settled, with having my own home, with safety and security and belonging. But when I reached 25 and none of those things had really materialized, I decided what the heck! And I quit my job and moved to CMU to change the course of my life entirely.

And now, at 36 the only age I really want to be is...36. As much as there are things about this stage in life that I would like to change, there really is no other age that I want to be. I am just fine being me, I am just fine with my grey hair and my creaky knees (not that I don't do physio to ease the pain). I loved being 4, and I look back with fondness for the gifts I received at that age and at every stage in between. There were good experiences and not so good ones, but they made me who I am right now. And I look forward with anticipation to the growth that is yet to come in my life. I love that I know that some day I'll know more than I do now. I love that some day I'll be wiser, more settled internally, stronger in my core, my heart. I love that learning doesn't stop and growth doesn't stop. But I'm also just fine with where I am in my journey. I am not a broken project that needs to be fixed today, I'm just a growing person who needs to be nurtured over a lifetime. And I'm good with that.

So today, I'll spend a little time looking back, and a little time looking forward, and a whole lot of time just being in the present. Because it's a gift.