Extroverted Introvert?

I love to talk. A lot. If you get me on a subject that I'm passionate about, or about which I have strong convictions (and there are a lot of them), I will go on for hours, literally. Just ask my roommate Alicia.

I'm the kind of person whose brain is always going. As a young child I remember coming out of my bedroom in tears at the advanced hour of 11pm or so and saying to my parents, "I just can't stop thinking!" Thinking, processing has always been the primary reason that I can't sleep. There are just so many thoughts, wonderings, worries milling about inside my head. And while I generally sleep quite well these days, my brain is no less active during the day.

Along with talking a lot, and thinking a lot, I also sense and feel a lot. As a child this resulted in a whole lot of tears. I was a "sensitive" child. I was that child who hated wearing new clothes with tags because the tags were too itchy. I was that child who was always overwhelmed by new experiences. I was the child that the teacher struggled to get to participate when we tried new games. And most of all, I was the child who wept when others were being punished. I felt their pain, their anxiety and their fear no matter how slight.

As an adult I have worked with this a great deal. Why exactly do I get so upset or overwhelmed? Because I sense and feel a lot (you have no idea how long it took me to come to this relatively simple conclusion!). In a new situation I notice everything from the paint peeling in the upper corner of a room, to the stray hairs on my professors head, to the anxious tapping of someone's foot across the classroom. I have both heightened physical senses, and emotional senses. I notice a lot about both my physical environment, and the emotional environment in which I find myself.  Don't get me wrong, I'm no super hero who can see through things or read people's minds. I'm just "sensitive."

It's taken me a long time to come to see this part of myself as a gift. And some days I still think it's a curse. On the upside, when I'm working with a group of children, or adults, I can usually tell who has had a bad morning, who's feeling anxious, or who is experiencing tension with whom. I also tend to notice when the ball is being dropped and needs to be picked up. This helps me to be able to respond with compassion, to empathize, to speak into situations, or to pick up tasks that need to be done. On the downside, I notice when people are having a bad morning, or who is upset with whom, and all the balls that are being dropped! And that can be totally overwhelming.

And all that sensing gives me a whole lot of information to process. It all just sets my mind (and heart) to whirring. Constantly. For some people, this might lead them to spend a lot of time alone, deep in thought or journaling. For me, it means I need to talk.

But here's the monkey wrench in this whole discussion. I'm introverted. People who know me well and end up listening to me process ad nauseum find this difficult to believe. How can someone who talks so much be an introvert!?

And the answer is...I don't know. But I am. I do not thrive in large crowds. I can't stand concerts and shopping malls, cold calling people and initiating conversations with strangers. I find it draining to engage in coffee time in church foyers and even to be in large classroom settings. I come home from these experiences and just collapse on the couch. But one-on-one or small group conversations are energizing for me (though probably draining for others in the group!). These are the times when all the myriad thoughts that have been amassing inside my brain have a chance to break free!

So if you see me in a large group and I'm not talking, I'm probably taking in a whole lot of information. If I am talking, I'm probably either so passionate about the topic I couldn't keep quiet, or I'm the one leading the group! If you see me in a small group and I'm not talking, I'm probably trying to be a good listener and if I am talking...you might just want to rescue my audience.