Becoming

I've had a lot of time to think over the past year and a half. That's about how long I've been underemployed and realistically there were only so many blankets I could sew/crochet, bread I could bake, things I could clean and organize and fiction I could read in my spare time. Eventually thinking, meditating had to happen. It really was inevitable.

And I'm glad it did (and is still) don't get me wrong. I strongly believe in working on my own

You know...self awareness :)

stuff, in growing in self-awareness, in becoming still and listening for the voice of God. But if  am to be honest, I do a lot of things to avoid the process too.

I think of this process as "becoming." It's a process of integrating my experiences, both inner and outer, it's a process of organizing thoughts and listening to God with my whole being in order to allow my true self, the image of God within me to emerge. And it's a process that often seems unproductive. And as I mentioned here I grew up with a strong work ethic alongside a strong need to fulfill expectations and so sitting and meditating often seems...lazy.

But it's not. Not in the least. And I feel blessed to have this space in which to think. It's especially nice right now since my landlords are away for the winter. I can meditate in almost complete silence which is a gift I am not taking for granted.

And in the process of meditating, I have of late come to a conclusion, or at the very least a strong working theory that there is no point in me trying to be anything that I'm not. I know this seems rather obvious, but let me continue.

I'm not sure how, or where, but somehow over the past number of years I got the impression that pastors didn't get to be real or authentic. That pastors needed to always take great care in their public persona to avoid angering congregants and thus losing their job. Wait a second... I have actually been told this. And it has always felt very uncomfortable to me. I don't mean to say that I don't think that pastors should take care with their words. I believe STRONGLY in the power of words, both as beneficial tools to build up and harmful ones that tear down. But I think the discomfort grew out of a sense that I was being told that my own internal integrity didn't matter. What mattered was job security and "unity."

For me, "becoming" is about integrity. It's about aligning my outer life and my inner life in such a way that it is indistinguishable from the Divine will. Yes I know, that's a totally lofty goal, but I like to aim high.  It's about becoming so connected to the light within (think Quaker here) that I can choose no other way. Sometimes this might mean offending someone, sometimes it might mean being quirky or not being what people want or expect. But I've come to realize that when I meditate the pull of the light, the pull towards "becoming" is much greater than external pulls that compromise my integrity and in the end, help no one, not really.

I've been thinking about people I know who have hidden their true selves (thoughts, feelings, deeply held convictions) in order to make others happy or keep the peace. I've been thinking about the times in which I do this as well. And certainly, on the surface, peace is kept and people (certain people) get to be happy. But what about the people who were longing to hear from that authentic self? What if, in meeting traditional expectations, in being what some people want me to be, I am in fact robbing the Spirit of the opportunity to connect with others through my authentic self. What if offering my partial self, my incongruent self is really a cheap gift while reaching deep within to my authentic self (even if it upsets some people) could be the voice that someone was longing to hear? 

Convocation wouldn't have been the same without the Crocs!

Maybe the world needs a quirky whimsical person who wears teal crocs.

Maybe the world needs a person who loves to read fiction, especially fantasy because it sparks the imagination.

Maybe the world needs a person who is passionate about the biblical story and just won't let it go.

Maybe the world needs a person who doesn't feel called to be married and have children.

Maybe the world needs a person who has a giant menagerie of stuffed animals.

Maybe the world needs a person who has struggled with anxiety and who has triumphed!

Maybe the world needs a person who knows how it feels to lose a family member to mental illness. 

Maybe the world needs a person who believes and is willing to state that all people are created in the image of God, regardless of sexual orientation.

Maybe the world needs a person who advocates for children as fully human beings capable of tremendous spiritual depth.

Sometimes it's not "popular" to wear teal crocs (maybe an understatement!), or to read children's fiction, or to live in an alternative household, or to talk about my struggles with anxiety, or to voice my support for those I believe are being sidelined or ostracized. But maybe God didn't call me to be popular. Maybe God just called me to be me, not some watered down version of me whose entire life is focused on meeting societal expectations, but the authentic and dynamic child of God that I am. 

And the funny thing is, that thinking of myself this way, doesn't make me feel like I'm more than other people, or make me more "me" focused, it just makes me curious about who you really are.