My Story with Feminism

Okay, so I don't have a good history with feminism. And those feminists out there who have uber specific definitions for feminism and have thought deeply about how to have sensitive discussion on these topics are probably going to cringe, but I'm going to talk about it anyway since I do see myself as a feminist. 

To me feminism means overturning systems that allow one group or groups to determine the story of another. It means acknowledging that all people are created in the image of God and all people are valued and cherished. It means paying attention to our words and actions because so often we oppress others simply because we don't stop to think. It means that limiting roles/pay/toys/spaces/opportunities etc. because of gender/race/ethnicity/sexual orientation etc. is wrong. Period.

So definitely, by my own totally un-researched definition, I am a feminist. But the reason my history with feminism isn't great is because I often felt threatened. I felt threatened because it felt like my story (not perhaps the predominant one) didn't matter. And I'm fully willing and incredibly embarrassed to admit that in return I made sure that others felt like their stories weren't valuable either. I stomped on their stories.

Not Cool. 
Not. Cool. At. All. 

I offer my apologies to all of the women and men out there whose stories I have not valued. I am deeply sorry. 

My own story didn't involve oppressive men. Not in almost any concrete kinds of experiences (though I have a couple from more recent years). I grew up believing I could become whatever I wanted to be. I watched my mom mow lawn, garden and go to work. I watched my dad vacuum (I actually thought that only men vacuumed for years!), wash dishes and drive a tractor. And I heard my parents both repeatedly tell us in a joking manner, to ask the other parent because "they were the boss." I certainly have come face-to-face with oppressive gender stereotypes in my life, but it tended to come more from media (yes, I know that men are in media, but so are women), or from other women. 

First, other women. Other women have boxed me in far more often than men. Aside from a few quite non-representative samples, most of the men I have related to over my lifetime have been relatively or incredibly supportive. One professor at Canadian Mennonite University sticks out in a particular way. I had never met a male as devoted to feminism as he is until I began to attend CMU. His support of women is clear and his attempts to value their stories and the stories of women in the Bible is admirable. But since I just so happen to have spent a great deal of my life with women, I have far more experiences of being boxed in by them than by men. Most of that "boxing in" was the product of erroneous assumptions about who I am and my story. For this reason I think listening and not making assumptions are central to my understanding of feminism. 

And for me, a great deal of the assumptions have to do with the experiences that women see as "normative" alongside gender stereotypes in media. I see these as feeding off of one another. It seems like a chicken/egg scenario to me. A complex intertwining of messages, impossible to discern which came first. But either way, the assumptions of people around us and the messages we receive from media create boxes. For some, those boxes are not really a problem at all, since they fit in them nicely (though perhaps some are only trained to think that they do). The problem for many of us comes when those boxes don't fit at all with our stories, or with our created nature. 

I do not yearn to have a baby. I just don't. This puts me outside of a pretty significant box for my gender. I also don't yearn to have a husband. Neither do I yearn for more shoes. I also despise shopping. And I can't stand the particular shade of pink that is part of the "girls" toy market. I find these boxes and the assumption that I belong in them to be oppressive. The pressure to be in a romantic relationship and to give birth is a powerful one in our culture and I feel it frequently. Yet when I'm in close contact with a highly feminist culture there are a whole new set of boxes that I'm expected to fit into. And I don't fit into them either!


 



There's only one box that I fit into
and it's a pretty strange and delightful shape. 






And since I work a lot with young children whose identities are being formed and the shape of their own "boxes" is just emerging, I get really ticked off when I look at the tiny boxes these magnificent people are expected to fill. It hurts to see them look longingly at toys on the other side of the room/store/playspace and then turn back to the toys they are expected to like. It hurts to see young girls trapped in tight little shoes with heels and frilly dresses as they attempt to run and play and live fully in the world. It hurts to watch little girls ask their mommies if they are fat, or pretty, or if it's okay for them to like baseball. And the same applies to boys. I ache for boys who force themselves to engage in combative play when they would rather be painting, or building, or playing house. It hurts me when all the boys I see look exactly the same, because this season blue and green striped rugby shirts are what's "in style." I'm sure at least one of those boys just wants to march out of his room in bright purple or yellow. 

Youtube videos like this one by Feminist Frequency do an awesome job of helping us to think about the way media impacts gender stereotypes, particularly for young people. This one is about 10min. long, but well worth the watch!

So, these are some of my feminist concerns that I'm highlighting on International Women's Day. Not because women are more important than men, or because this day is more important than any other. But because I care about issues of injustice. I care about ALL people having the freedom to become the gifts to the world that they were created to be. 

Feminism for me, is not just allowing people, but EMPOWERING people to live into the glorious boxes that they've been gifted with and choosing to dismantle boxes that are oppressive for the benefit of the world.