Celebrate the Singles

I've written a little bit in the past about singleness, here and there, as part of larger posts like last year's Valentine's Day rant on love and marriage. But today I feel a need to advocate and honour single folks. In some ways I'm a part of that group since I'm not romantically attached. I'm a single celibate woman. So in some ways I am "single", certainly by society's most crucial standard of being part of a couple (married/common-law/dating). However in many other ways I don't have the same experiences as many single people that I meet because I share a household with Alicia, another single woman (see this reflection on our ten-year relationship). In some ways my day to day experiences are far more like that of a couple or family since I come home to another person, I share household chores and bills, and when I go to church or other events I rarely enter the room alone.

So in this post I am, in many ways, speaking as someone from the outside. And what I want to say is, CELEBRATE THE SINGLES!

These are amazing people. Whether they are single by choice or circumstance, whether they are young or old, or whether they have always been single or are newly single, they are amazing. They deserve respect, admiration, and support. 

Singles go home from work and there is no one to share the load of meal preparation. Not only that, no one else bought the groceries. And they have the task of cooking for one, which is not easy!

Singles deal with all their paperwork, even at tax time. 

Singles do all the household chores. All .of . them.

Singles have all of the uncertainty of new situations and places, and often don't get the comfort of a person next to them walking in, or a person to dish with after it's over. 

Singles have the opportunity to celebrate scads of life events with others (marriages, births, anniversaries), but their life events are rarely celebrated. 

In a similar vein, singles give gifts at all those occasions but are rarely gifted themselves. There is no cache of gifts and money from a wedding to start their household. 

Singles sometimes carry large financial burdens, having no extra income or person to share expenses with.

Singles grieve losses and there is no one there to lean on when they wake in the middle of the night. 

Singles are often expected to be available and to do more than others with the assumption that because they're single they don't have other responsibilities. 

Singles are often viewed as people in waiting. As incomplete, or perpetually in transition with the assumption that they will only be whole when they are attached to one other person.  


All of this is not to say that there aren't wonderful things about being single too. But what I'm getting at is that singles have a lot of responsibility and in our society we most often assume that our support comes to us from within very traditional family structures (marriage, children). If people don't have those traditional structures, then...oh well. Tough luck. 

But we are a community. A human community. A body that is woven together by our common humanity, our shared place as God's creation. In the church we talk about being the body of Christ. A body that's meant to be interdependent. Within the body it is everyone's responsibility to help everyone feel as though they belong and are loved - we often assume that this is taken care of in the traditional family or couple relationship and we've shirked our responsibility to reach out beyond our insular family structures. 

Singles have a lot of responsibility and they need the love, support and respect of their communities. So Celebrate a Single Today!  

If you are single and have stories about how others have been an encouragement or support to you, I would love to hear them. Often stories are the best way of moving people to action. :) 

To whom do I pray?

 

Father,
I abandon myself into your hands; do with me what you will.
Whatever you may do, I thank you:
I am ready for all, I accept all.
Let only your will be done in me, and in all your creatures.
I wish no more than this, O Lord.

Into your hands I commend my soul;
I offer it to you
with all the love of my heart,
for I love you, Lord,
and so need to give myself,
to surrender myself into your hands,
without reserve,
and with boundless confidence,
for you are my Father. ~ Charles de Foucald



For most of my adult life I've had a distinct dislike for this prayer and others like it. I always felt like I should like them, these prayers of complete surrender, complete trust in an all powerful God. But I didn't. These types of prayers always feel to me inextricably tied to a vast unknowable, omni God. A God who shapes my life as a master puppeteer might, pulling me this way and that. And complete surrender means being okay with that manipulation. Complete surrender of the sort in this prayer means believing that God is all things omni and that I will simply be grateful for whatever evil befalls me. 

I just can't do that. 

But maybe I don't have to.

Today I was reading Prayer by Joyce Rupp and discovered that she also has a history of not being able to pray this prayer. She was even alarmed to find that a group she was a part of wanted to use this prayer as the focal point for a high school retreat.  She said, "We can't ask these young people to pray that prayer. I can't even pray it myself!" And then someone lightly and playfully said to her, "That doesn't say much about who your God is, does it?" (27, 28). 

That doesn't say much about who your God is. Hmmm...

That one line caught me completely off guard. It caught Rupp off guard as well, though for somewhat different reasons. I realized that I had been reading prayers of surrender and then allowing those prayers and various other social/cultural influences to shape an image of God for me. And it was an image I couldn't live with, so I assumed that the prayer was the problem. But maybe the problem isn't the prayer at all. Maybe the problem is my starting point. I suddenly wondered what it might mean to allow God to shape this prayer, instead of allowing this prayer to shape God. What if I actually entered into a prayer of this nature approaching the God that I do know. The God who loves infinitely, who holds me in vast and squishy arms. The God who laughs hilariously with me and who weeps a river of tears when we witness suffering, when I am suffering.

 It seems so simple now. That's not to say that I can magically pray all the words of Foucald's prayer with complete trust and abandon. But I no longer feel the need to reject it outright. And I sense within myself a willingness to explore what it might mean to surrender myself into those squishy arms and to trust that they will not let me go. 

To all those cooking dinner tonight

Today, as I was feeling a little frustrated coming up with a dinner idea and getting it prepared and into the crockpot, I found myself thinking of the various experiences of others who were also in charge of dinner tonight. My situation is pretty simple. I am underemployed, so I actually have time to cook. I also love cooking and I'm pretty good at it (or so Alicia says). I also cook for only one individual who eats whatever I serve her. I actually have a pretty sweet deal.

Today however, I remembered that some of you are struggling today to cook for one, or you have the challenge of cooking for a large number of people, or anything in between.

I remembered that some of you are cooking for people with a variety of food sensitivities or allergies that make meal planning an incredible challenge. Especially if only some members of the family have those needs. 

I remembered that some of you are cooking for very picky eaters who just don't seem to ever like what you serve. 

I remembered that some of you are working full time and trying to just find the time to get food into yourself and your loved ones. 

I remembered that some of you are cooking with little ones clinging to your legs, getting into things they shouldn't or are just needing you in various ways. 

I remembered that some of you are trying to fit in making nutritious meals around wacky and varied schedules including school, work, sports practices and music lessons. 

I remembered that some of you are children or teens who have the responsibility of preparing dinner tonight and cooking is still a skill that takes a lot of thought. Stress!

I remembered that some of you are amazing cooks who wish you had the time and energy to really immerse yourself in the craft rather than hastily throwing things together. 

I remembered that some of you love to put meals together and serving your family is actually a lot of fun. 

I remembered that some of you hate cooking and others are just bad at it. 

I remembered that some of you are struggling to to find the money to put food on the table. 

I remembered that some of you are cooking while also caring for loved ones who are sick, 

And I remembered that some of you have the task of cooking every. single. day. and sometimes you just can't think of what to make anymore. 

So whatever your situation this is my blessing for you today,

May you be gifted with both an idea and the right ingredients,
May you read your recipe correctly (or may your experiments lead to success),
May your preparations go smoothly and not require band-aids,
May your cat not walk on the countertop, 
May you have the energy to do what is needed,
May no one break anything, vomit or poop,
May all who partake do so without complaining,
And may someone say Thank-You!

For the task you are undertaking is a gift.

Extroverted Introvert?

I love to talk. A lot. If you get me on a subject that I'm passionate about, or about which I have strong convictions (and there are a lot of them), I will go on for hours, literally. Just ask my roommate Alicia.

I'm the kind of person whose brain is always going. As a young child I remember coming out of my bedroom in tears at the advanced hour of 11pm or so and saying to my parents, "I just can't stop thinking!" Thinking, processing has always been the primary reason that I can't sleep. There are just so many thoughts, wonderings, worries milling about inside my head. And while I generally sleep quite well these days, my brain is no less active during the day.

Along with talking a lot, and thinking a lot, I also sense and feel a lot. As a child this resulted in a whole lot of tears. I was a "sensitive" child. I was that child who hated wearing new clothes with tags because the tags were too itchy. I was that child who was always overwhelmed by new experiences. I was the child that the teacher struggled to get to participate when we tried new games. And most of all, I was the child who wept when others were being punished. I felt their pain, their anxiety and their fear no matter how slight.

As an adult I have worked with this a great deal. Why exactly do I get so upset or overwhelmed? Because I sense and feel a lot (you have no idea how long it took me to come to this relatively simple conclusion!). In a new situation I notice everything from the paint peeling in the upper corner of a room, to the stray hairs on my professors head, to the anxious tapping of someone's foot across the classroom. I have both heightened physical senses, and emotional senses. I notice a lot about both my physical environment, and the emotional environment in which I find myself.  Don't get me wrong, I'm no super hero who can see through things or read people's minds. I'm just "sensitive."

It's taken me a long time to come to see this part of myself as a gift. And some days I still think it's a curse. On the upside, when I'm working with a group of children, or adults, I can usually tell who has had a bad morning, who's feeling anxious, or who is experiencing tension with whom. I also tend to notice when the ball is being dropped and needs to be picked up. This helps me to be able to respond with compassion, to empathize, to speak into situations, or to pick up tasks that need to be done. On the downside, I notice when people are having a bad morning, or who is upset with whom, and all the balls that are being dropped! And that can be totally overwhelming.

And all that sensing gives me a whole lot of information to process. It all just sets my mind (and heart) to whirring. Constantly. For some people, this might lead them to spend a lot of time alone, deep in thought or journaling. For me, it means I need to talk.

But here's the monkey wrench in this whole discussion. I'm introverted. People who know me well and end up listening to me process ad nauseum find this difficult to believe. How can someone who talks so much be an introvert!?

And the answer is...I don't know. But I am. I do not thrive in large crowds. I can't stand concerts and shopping malls, cold calling people and initiating conversations with strangers. I find it draining to engage in coffee time in church foyers and even to be in large classroom settings. I come home from these experiences and just collapse on the couch. But one-on-one or small group conversations are energizing for me (though probably draining for others in the group!). These are the times when all the myriad thoughts that have been amassing inside my brain have a chance to break free!

So if you see me in a large group and I'm not talking, I'm probably taking in a whole lot of information. If I am talking, I'm probably either so passionate about the topic I couldn't keep quiet, or I'm the one leading the group! If you see me in a small group and I'm not talking, I'm probably trying to be a good listener and if I am talking...you might just want to rescue my audience. 

The Most Valuable Gifts

Today was a lovely and productive day. 

I sewed a yoga mat bag for Alicia using leftover fabric from another project

I cooked soup and put it in jars for lunches

I made a gift bag from the scraps of fabric I had left

 I baked buns

 I made chicken diablo for supper. Sorry no pic of this one, it's long gone!

I crocheted

 and I read fiction

All in all, one of my favourite kind of days.

And as I sat on the couch tonight, just hanging out, I found myself reflecting on all the people who made my day possible. All the people who gifted me, not by giving me things, but by teaching me their crafts and passions. I found myself remembering all the days that I watched my mom sewing in the afternoon, coffee cup beside her sewing machine while we played in the basement. I used to dip graham crackers in her coffee and she would find half of them soggy in the bottom of her cup. Sorry mom. 

I found myself remembering all the crucial lessons I learned from my friend and sewing instructor Dawn. Carefully placing my pin cushion and my small scissors on the right hand side of my machine to ensure that my project would never get cut by accident, and my pins would never end up on the floor, not to mention all the other vital information she taught me about selvages and pressing in order to create items that look handmade, rather than homemade.

I chopped vegetables and remembered my mom and my grandma loading soup pots with vegetables and broths to create healthy and savoury meals, and of course using up random leftovers in the process!

I remembered all the years watching my mom and grandma's hands fashioning buns using a completely indescribable technique which I am so proud to have mastered. They always told me it would just take practice and they were right! And nothing gives me a greater sense of pride than seeing the buns come out of the oven golden brown with tiny freckles on top, my grandma's sign of a good bun. I so wish I could invite her over for buns, coffee and ssockastekja (sugar cubes).

I remembered the joy I felt when Alicia taught me to crochet for the first time in my dorm room at CMU. I spent hours bent over the saddest looking scarf ever with hopeless tension issues. But when I finally felt confident enough I bought some of my own yarn and crocheted late into the night trying to make her a scarf without her knowing. Being a crochet newbie, I decided to be different and made my scarf going back and forth lengthwise  and completely misjudged how long the chain needed to be. Longest scarf in HISTORY! And she wore it for years. :)

And though I don't remember who actually taught me how to read, I am endlessly grateful for every person who read to me, taught me hooked on phonics, and placed books in my hands. I am grateful to my parents who read me the same books over and over and over again. I am grateful to Ms. Neufeld my grade 1 teacher who must have played a significant role since I remember our reading groups and the Serendipity books we used to read. And I am incredibly grateful to Ms. Lois Braun, my grade 5 teacher who took the time each day after lunch to read us novels aloud (using voices), and who encouraged us to do group book studies, and to write our own books. I read every single day of my life and have incredible memories of all the lands I've visited and lives I've lived vicariously through an endless stream of characters over the past 3+ decades. 

So today was a fun day of creating and remembering. And I hope in my life I will be able to notice the opportunities before me to teach and nurture such life-giving activities for others because gifts that empower are truly the most valuable gifts we can offer.

Yes, I know, my diet is peculiar

I've been eating grain-free for a year and a half, though food issues have been a part of my entire life. For as long as I can remember food has been by nemesis. Not just because it tempted me, and I ended up eating far more than I should. But primarily because it made me sick. Almost each and every meal of my life led to some sort of discomfort or pain which I will not go into here. It has taken a tremendous amount of time and energy to discern what foods send my gut into a downward spiral. For years I kind of tried this and that, but about 6 years ago I decided I just couldn't live in constant discomfort anymore. My naturopathic doctor and I set out some first steps and I committed to those first steps to the best of my ability. And slowly things got a bit better. By constantly paying attention to my body's reactions and working at healing my incredibly damaged digestive system we altered my diet over and over again. A year and a half ago we seemed to have hit a plateau. Things were better, but still not great. My system had healed a great deal, but I was still very reactive. So my doctor suggested I try a completely grain-free diet. We (Alicia and I) had already eliminated a lot of grains from our home, so I figured I was ready to make this next step. 

For the first 2-3 weeks I thought I was dying. I hadn't realized what it would mean for my body to completely detox from eating grains. My doctor told me that eliminating all grains is like going off of opiates, and I certainly felt like I was going through withdrawal. The nausea and dizziness was intense. And then it was over. And I felt better. A lot better. 

I can now eat most of my meals without any discomfort. If I react, I can usually look back at what I have eaten and figure out how to make wiser choices in the future. For the first time in my life eating a meal is not a fearful event for me. And I am so grateful for the patience my doctor has shown me, and her dedication to my overall health. She has never sought to simply put a bandaid over my problem, but to work with me to find the root.

People always ask me if I don't miss eating bread or donuts. Or they ask me what the hardest part of eating grain-free has been for me, assuming that it must be giving up cookies or cake. But I have to be honest, the absolute hardest part of eating a peculiar diet, is socializing with others. I hate not being able to simply eat the food that is served to me. I hate that I can't just join people at whatever random restaurant and enjoy a meal together.  I feel like I'm being difficult. I feel like I'm fussy. I feel like I'm inhospitable. And I don't like it. 

People ask me if I couldn't just cheat for the evening. But really, where would that end? And once I put the food into my system, it takes almost 2 weeks for my body to get back to normal. So no, I won't cheat. There are still inconsistencies in my diet, there are still areas that I need to work on. I should eat less chocolate, correction, I should not be eating chocolate at all! And I should have less egg in my diet. But generally I am pretty serious about eating the foods that make me a healthier person. 

So I keep working at figuring out what it means to receive hospitality and care for my body at the same time. I have found that offering hospitality isn't all that hard. I have scads of recipes that I can make for our visitors, recipes even my dad will eat! But visiting others is just more complicated. So working at being a good guest is an ongoing process. I will do my best to be gracious, but I will fail at times. I will do my best to offer suggestions when people ask, but again, I won't always be successful. I will do my best to eat what is offered to me, but that will often mean avoiding some things that have been served. And at times I will also bring along my own food to make sure there is something I can eat. My apologies if this offends you. I understand that my diet is frustrating for many people (it frustrates me too!), but the alternative, being sick 24/7, is just not an alternative.

Often people just can't imagine what I do eat if I can't have grains, so just in case any of you are curious about what I actually do eat, here's a basic list of things that are safe (meaning I cook with them a lot), and things that are not (I avoid them at all costs since I react to them). 

Safe:
Beef
Chicken (not the kind that is frozen and "seasoned")
Turkey (though I'm not a huge turkey fan)
Pork on occasion (it's harder to find pork that doesn't have additives)
Potatoes
Onions
Celery
Carrots
Peas
Beans
Lettuce
Cabbage
Broccoli
Zucchini
Cauliflower
Tomato
Peppers (red is better, and in small quantities)
Aged cheeses
Eggs
Full fat yogurt
Most fruits (though I limit my citrus intake)
Almond milk
Nuts and nutbutters
Coconut milk and oil
Chickpea flour
Coconut flour
Almond meal/flour
Raw sugars and honey
Pretty much all spices, though white pepper is better than black

Not safe:
Sausages or meats that have added colour, flavour or wheat crumbs
Baked goods made with wheat, corn, rice flours
Corn - that includes kernels, flour, and starch
Most dairy products though I can have some on occasion
Pasta
Rice
Artificial colour
Artificial flavour
MSG in all its forms
Basically stuff that is artificial and pre-packaged - if it has an ingredient list, I read it carefully

In a lot of ways, my food is just really old-fashioned. It's meat, potatoes, veggies, fruits, herbs and spices.

Fear and Anxiety

Just a few short thoughts on children and fear that I posted on my ministry site. 

Fear and Anxiety